Forget the Rules: How to Dress for a Wedding and Still Feel Like Yourself

Have you ever walked into a room at an event, wedding or party and realised that you are dressed completely incorrectly?

Maybe you have mis-judged the dress code, or maybe you have something on that doesn’t feel anything like the real you – or maybe you weren’t told that the dress code had changed!

When I was in my early twenties, I had this happen to me.  I was invited to a party with my then boyfriend.  It was for a group of his friend who had moved into a loft conversion in London and the dress code was black tie – until it changed!  My boyfriend didn’t see fit to tell me of the change, so when I turned up in a beautiful red long dress, I had designed and made myself, only to find everyone else in jeans, I froze!  The introvert in me wanted to turn tail and run, but when I saw the smirk on my boyfriend’s face, the daughter my mother had brought up decided to fight!  So, I marched up to the hosts and said boyfriend and said “thank you so much for inviting me, unfortunately I can’t stay for long a I am due at a first night party soon, but I wanted to drop by to say “enjoy your new home!”  I then took a glass of wine, mingled a bit, ignored by now-soon-to-be-ex boyfriend and left. That moment felt so good – but I wouldn’t want to repeat it anytime soon!!

That is an extreme case, but so often I hear from clients that they have gone to their sons or daughter’s wedding for instance and have just felt completely wrong.  They thought their outfits were spot on when they tried them in the shops, but on the day they didn’t feel like themselves, felt awkward and out of place and instead of enjoying the occasion like they should, they have felt depressed and just “meh!”

This is such a familiar story – and not just for weddings.

When there is a dress code, or a pre-conceived idea of how one should look, then it is so easy to feel an imposter in what we are wearing.  And that is because it just isn’t us!  If you are a jeans and t-shirt sort of girl, then to suddenly be dressed up in a slim  column dress, high heels and a floppy hat, your inner self is going to be saying “what the heck?!!”.

Or if you are a suit kind of girl and you suddenly have to wear a maxi dress and flip-flops, you are going to feel completely out of place and odd!

Weddings are some of the worst places to feel this.  I mean, who was it who stated that every mother of the bride or groom should turn up in a shift dress, bolero jacket and wide brimmed hat?  Who was it who dictated to us that only pale colours are allowed?  Who said that every maxi-dress should be topped off with a fascinator?

Who said that if you are going to races, for instance, you should be wearing said maxi dress and fascinator (summer), or a tweed skirt, tight fitting tweed jacket and suede, tassled, long boots (winter)? 

Yes, obviously, most of us want to fit in, because we want to look as though we belong, whether we do or not, but if by fitting in we completely lose our own identity – is that a good thing?

When I style a client for a special event or wedding, the first thing I want to know is what do they normally wear?  What do they feel most comfortable in and, more importantly, what makes them feel most like themselves?

If it is jeans and a t-shirt, then that is quite easily up-graded to smart event wear by changing the jeans for a smart pair of trousers and the t-shirt with a silk version.  Top these off with some lovely jewellery and a pair of flat, pointed toe, ballerinas and maybe a jacket and ecco – a smart outfit that fits the dress code and also fits the wearer’s personality.

Just because it is “the done thing”, doesn’t mean to say you have to do it!

I would much prefer someone at my event to feel at home, comfortable and confident enough in their outfit to really enjoy themselves and make the most of the event, than to hide away in a corner, or go home early, just because they feel completely ill-at-ease in their clothes.

Forget the Rules: How to Dress for a Wedding and Still Feel Like Yourself - What do you think?

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Sprezzatura: The Italian Secret to Looking Effortless

Sprezzatura: The Italian Secret to Looking Effortless

There is a wonderful Italian word that has been borrowed by the fashion world for years.

Sprezzatura.

It is often translated as “effortless elegance” or “studied nonchalance”.

But I think those translations miss something. Because sprezzatura isn't really about looking as though you haven't tried.

It is about knowing exactly what you are doing — and then making it look as though you haven't. And that, to me, is one of the most fascinating things about Italian style.

What exactly is sprezzatura?

The word dates back to the Renaissance.

It was famously described by Baldassare Castiglione in The Book of the Courtier, published in 1528. He used the idea of sprezzatura to describe the ability to perform something difficult with such apparent ease that it seemed completely natural.

In other words:

Make the effort. Hide the effort.

It is the difference between someone who looks as though they have carefully constructed an outfit and someone who simply looks right. And Italian women are particularly good at that distinction.

You might see a beautifully cut jacket with a simple T-shirt underneath or a magnificent pair of trousers with flat shoes. A silk scarf tied slightly imperfectly. A beautiful handbag that has clearly been used and loved. A pair of sunglasses that somehow seem to complete the entire outfit.

Nothing necessarily screams, “Look how hard I have tried.”

And yet everything works.

That is sprezzatura.

The secret is not carelessness

This is where I think sprezzatura is often misunderstood.

It isn't about being messy - it isn't about throwing on the first things you find in your wardrobe.

And it certainly isn't about not caring about your appearance.

Quite the opposite.

Sprezzatura begins with care.

• The clothes are chosen.

• The colours have been considered.

• The proportions work.

• The woman knows what suits her.

• She understands her clothes well enough that she doesn't need to keep fussing with them.

• And then she introduces one tiny element that stops the whole thing from becoming too perfect.

• Perhaps the sleeves are pushed up.

• Perhaps the shirt is slightly open at the neck.

• Perhaps the beautiful tailored jacket is worn with something unexpectedly casual.

• Perhaps the scarf isn't tied in the most conventional way.

• Perhaps the jewellery is wonderfully understated.
  

It is that little moment of imperfection that makes the outfit feel alive.

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Why Italian women don't always look “finished”

This is something I have noticed again and again when watching women in Italy. There is often a wonderful tension between elegance and ease.

A woman might be wearing something incredibly chic, but she doesn't necessarily look as though she has dressed herself for inspection. She looks as though she has dressed herself for her life. And I think that is an important distinction. The clothes are part of her rather than the main event.

She isn't necessarily thinking:

Does this look fashionable?

She is thinking:

Does this feel like me?

That is a very different approach to getting dressed. And it becomes particularly interesting as we get older. Because after 50, I don't think most of us want to look as though we are trying to keep up with fashion.

We want to look like ourselves - only perhaps a little more polished, a little more confident, a little more... Italian.

Sprezzatura: The Italian Secret to Looking Effortless

Sprezzatura after 50

There is something especially liberating about this idea when you are over 50.

Because we can stop chasing perfection. We don't need every element of an outfit to be immaculate.

In fact, sometimes that is exactly what makes an outfit feel a little stiff.

• Instead, think about introducing one element of ease.

• Wear your beautiful blazer with jeans.

• Wear your pearls with a simple white shirt.

• Wear a glamorous scarf with something very ordinary.

• Roll up the sleeves of a beautifully tailored shirt.

• Wear your favourite jewellery with a very simple outfit.

• Carry the handbag you love rather than the one you think you are supposed to be carrying.

And perhaps most importantly:

stop worrying about whether everything matches perfectly.

Style isn't a maths equation.

It doesn't have to add up to 100%.

Sometimes 90% — with a little bit of personality — is much more interesting.

The Italian trick: one thing that shouldn't quite work

One of my favourite ways to think about sprezzatura is this:

Create the outfit you love... and then take one thing away from perfection.

• If everything is tailored, add something relaxed.

• If everything is neutral, add a little colour.

• If the outfit is very feminine, add something slightly masculine.

• If you are wearing something glamorous, make the rest of the outfit simple.

• If the whole thing feels very “done”, undo something.

• It could be as simple as leaving the shirt untucked.

• Or putting your hair up rather than creating a perfectly styled hairstyle.

• Or wearing trainers with a beautiful coat.

The point isn't to deliberately make an outfit look undone - the point is to leave room for you.

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Sprezzatura is really about confidence

And perhaps this is why I love the idea so much.

Because ultimately, sprezzatura isn't a clothing trick.

It is a state of mind.

It says:

I know what I like.

I know what suits me.

I don't need everything to be perfect.

And I don't need to prove anything to anyone.

There is an extraordinary confidence in that.

And I think that is one of the reasons Italian women can make something very simple look so elegant. They aren't necessarily wearing more. They are often simply more comfortable with what they are wearing. They know themselves.

And when you know yourself, you don't need quite so much decoration.

Perhaps the real Italian secret...

We often look at Italian women and ask:

“What are they wearing?”

But perhaps we should be asking a different question.

“How are they wearing it?”

Because sprezzatura isn't hidden inside a particular pair of shoes or a particular designer handbag.

You can't buy it.

You can't order it online.

And there isn't a capsule wardrobe that will magically give you more of it.

It comes from knowing your clothes and knowing yourself. And being willing to let go of the idea that elegance means perfection.

Perhaps that is the real Italian secret.

The most stylish woman in the room isn't necessarily the one who has tried the hardest.

She may simply be the woman who knows herself well enough to stop trying so hard.

And that, my friends, is sprezzatura.

A little effort.

A little imperfection.

A lot of confidence.

And absolutely no need to explain yourself.

A little sprezzatura to try this week

Before you buy anything new, go into your wardrobe and find one beautiful thing you already own.

Then ask yourself:

How could I wear this in a way that feels a little less “perfect”?

Pair the silk blouse with jeans.

Wear the tailored jacket with something casual.

Tie the scarf differently.

Add your favourite old handbag.

Push up the sleeves.

Leave one button undone.

Take the outfit you've carefully created... And then relax into it.

Because perhaps the most Italian thing you can wear is the confidence to look as though you didn't spend all morning deciding what to put on.

That is the beauty of sprezzatura.

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What Italy Taught Me About Saving Things for Best

What Italy Taught Me About Saving Things for "Best"

There was a time when I had clothes that hardly ever left the wardrobe.  I had lovely dresses that I was keeping for that “special occasion”, the expensive perfume I thought I would never be able to afford again, so I kept it on my dressing table to be worn two or three times as year.  We had a whole cabinet full of china we we were given for a wedding present, but only came out for dinner parties – which we rarely gave! 

I had a wonderful handbag we bought from a small Artisanl shop in Sienna, which stayed in its protective bag as the cost and the memories were so precious to me and I didn’t want it ruined.

Do you recognise any of that?

Many of us grew up believing that the nicest things should be protected. Saved. Preserved for one day... when life became worthy of them.

Then I moved to Italy and slowly, almost without noticing, something changed.

What Italy Taught Me About Saving Things for Best -

Italians Don't Wait for Special Occasions

One of the first things I noticed was that ordinary life seemed to matter.

Women would walk to the local café wearing a beautiful linen dress or a fabulous suit. Neighbours would stop to chat wearing polished shoes rather than old trainers.  I used to drop my son off at school first think in the morning and the other mums would be in full makeup and sparkly clothes!

Families would sit outside on a weekday evening with proper glasses, fresh flowers on the table and good food – not to celebrate anything other than being together.

Nobody seemed to be waiting for permission to enjoy the life they already had.

But it wasn't about showing off and it certainly wasn't expensive.  It was simply an attitude that said:

Today is worth making beautiful.

"The Good Things" Are for Living

It wasn't just clothes - it was everything.

The good olive oil wasn't hidden away for visitors. The beautiful crockery wasn't locked in a cabinet. Fresh flowers appeared on kitchen tables for no particular reason. The nice handbag went to the supermarket.  The favourite earrings were worn to buy bread.

It made me realise how often I had been postponing joy and saving things for a future version of life that might never arrive.

We Sometimes Save More Than Objects

As women over 50, we often don't just save clothes - we save confidence.

We save dreams.

We save holidays.

We save learning Italian.

We save wearing red lipstick.

We save becoming the woman we'd like to be.

"When I've lost weight."

"When I retire."

"When the children have grown."

"When life calms down."

"When I have somewhere special to go."

But what if this ordinary weekday is the special occasion?

Italian Style Isn't About Impressing Anyone

This is one of the biggest misconceptions about Italian style.

People often think it's about designer labels, perfect tailoring and luxury brands.

Of course, you'll find those.  But what I see far more often is something quieter.

Women dressing with care because they respect themselves.

Putting on a necklace because it brings them joy.

Choosing a beautiful scarf because it brightens an ordinary day.

They aren't dressing for other people.  They're dressing for themselves.

And that changes everything.

Stop Waiting to Wear Your Favourite Outfit

I often tell my clients that the best outfit in your wardrobe should also be the one you wear the most.

Why?

Because clothes aren't museum pieces.

They're part of your life.

If you've bought a beautiful linen shirt, wear it.

If you've found the perfect handbag, carry it.

If your favourite dress makes you feel wonderful, don't wait for a wedding invitation.

Life is happening now.

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The Real Luxury

Living in Italy has taught me that luxury isn't necessarily buying more.  Sometimes luxury is simply enjoying what you already own. It's slowing down enough to appreciate it.

It's lighting the candle.

Using the good plates.

Putting on the silk scarf.

Choosing the earrings.

Making Tuesday feel just a little bit more beautiful.

That, to me, is one of the greatest lessons Italy has ever taught me.

I is not to save life for later - but to live it well today.

A Little Invitation

This week, choose one thing you've been saving.

Perhaps it's the dress you've never worn.

The perfume you've been keeping for "best."

The handbag that's still sitting in its dust bag.

Use it.

Not because today is extraordinary, but because today matters.

Because if Italy has taught me anything, it's this:

The best things in life aren't meant to be saved. They're meant to be lived.

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